Andy
Bush
Instructor
Daykin
Blog
Narrative
9/24/13
The
day of the test was finally here and it was almost time to go for my blue belt
in KyuKi-Do. It was not the test itself that made me nervous-I had tested
before in front of others and knew what to expect. However, this would be the
first time I am required to perform a board break during a test. I had broken boards in class before and for
the most part was successful but, to complete a break in front of a testing panel
full of strangers was a whole new experience, and I was scared.
The
drive to the test took about an hour and I had a lot of time to think about the
outcome of the demonstration. I replayed it over and over in my mind. I
pictured myself at my home gym in the comfort of people I know and would practice
the break repeatedly in my mind. As I got closer to the destination I was
having trouble staying relaxed and focused. My mind began to wander and I began
to wonder who was going to be on the testing board, and what time during the
test would we do our breaks. I was becoming a mess.
I
arrived at the gym and there were already a lot a spectators waiting for the
test to begin. People’s friends and family crammed into the place trying to get
a good seat. I was not on my home turf and the place smelled old and looked
narrow. The mirrors on the wall made it look like there were a thousand people
in the place. At the end of the room were two folding tables set up and about
seven seats for the black belt judges that would fill them. All along the wall
people sat and waited.
As
I got ready in the changing room that was as cramped as the rest of the place,
my heart began to race. Doubts began to fill my thoughts. What would people do
if I missed the break? Would they laugh? Would they sit there in shocked wonder?
What would the testing panel do? Would I fail the test and be told to get out
of there and never come back? I knew that these were foolish thoughts but I couldn’t
help but think I would be the laughing stock of the group.
It
was time to begin the test. About twenty
students and I walked out and addressed the testing board. We were informed
that the break would take place at the end. I had all test to worry about it
now. I went through the first part like a robot, doing the standard punches and
kicks. I was in a trance and all I could think of was the board break that now
I was sure to fail.
The
test was winding down and the break was coming up. I looked around at the other
students. Some seemed indifferent some looked excited and some looked like me-
scared to death. We all lined up in the order in which we were to do our
breaks. I was in the middle of the group. I looked around the room and the
spectators were on the edge of their seats. People were waiting to see success or
failure.
“Mr.
Bush are you ready!”
I
never even looked to hear who said it.
“Yes
sir!” I shouted with false confidence.
“Begin!”
I
looked at the board holders and gave them a nod and they gave me one in return.
I turned, kicked and never even looked at the board. A second later I turned to
look at the board and it was broken in half. My heart leapt up in my chest and almost jumped. I composed myself and went to the end of the line.
The
test came to an end and I had passed. On the drive home I had a while to
reflect on the outcome of the break. I know I would have still passed the test even
if I had not done the break but I also knew the people watching would not have
laughed and life would have gone on, but despite that, I liked the fear. That
fear meant that I cared about what would happen and that I wanted to do well.
When the fear of failure creeps up in me now I remember that it’s good to be
afraid to fail; that fear drives me to do the best I can.
